Maybe I was just left behind…

Maybe I'm just plain ugly…

Maybe I'm just too fat…

These were the thoughts that came rushing through my slightly intoxicated mind the night that I went out some friends one night.

I kept on asking myself why I wasn't like them in that moment of our rendezvous.

I know that it was a selfish thought seeing their senses slowly drifting away from their grasps and there I was thinking about myself and how low of a person I am.

I really couldn't tell if they were already drunk or if they were in this state of being I'd prefer to call euphoria. You know the feeling where you know exactly what you're doing, you're not on drugs and you're just a little tipsy but you're just in ecstasy? All the logic seemed to have vanished within a split second and you don't demand any reason nor purpose to whatever it is that you want and you just get it no matter what it costs. You know for sure that the morning after you might regret it but you get on with what it was you wanted to do.

I'd like to think that it was the former. It just seems to be the more acceptable reason.

Thinking about it, it still boils down to one simple term…whether you reason out you're drunk or whether you're in a state of euphoria and you chose to jump in the sack with a guy you barely know…in layman's term it's just plain LIBOG.

I am in no position to judge my friends nor anyone for that matter but I'm just trying to decipher everything.

I'm just thinking; I wouldn't have lost control. I wouldn't have let myself get the better of me. I wouldn't have left my friend hanging and floating in limbo between taking care of me and fending for herself. That's if I were in their position.

But then again, I am in no position to judge.

I guess losing control is pain and pleasure at the same time. Having the ability to commit that kind of mistake makes you feel alive. It makes you feel human.

What bugs me is that I know I've felt that before. Losing control. I know I was losing it and I just watch it drift away from me. The morning after, I knew I did wrong…I admittedly confessed to myself that I did wrong. I didn't regret anything at all but if I were given a chance to go back, I wouldn't have done whatever it was I did wrong simply because it wasn't right.

 

Honestly, everything about LIBOG is just so superficial and I think it's so overrated. I already went through it but I'm already tired of it. I don't want to do anything with it anymore. You might say that I'm just saying this because I want to but believe me I've had a lot of opportunities to lose control. But I CHOSE NOT TO. I'm thinking intimacy should be shared with someone you care about…call it cheesy and cliché but at the end of it when you ask yourself what you got from it other than feeding your LIBOG appetite; it'll all be worthless BS.

 

Sometimes I feel that I'm no longer human. I don't feel like doing what everybody does. I chose to veer away from whatever it is everyone categorizes as normal. I hate emotional, sappy, whining sluts. I don't like relationships either because I think its just a waste of time. I have this ambivalent relationship with romanticism because I hate it and yet I still write about it. I curse polygamous horny man whores. I abhor the growing population of gays. I don't think that everything happens for a reason but I strongly believe that everything SHOULD happen for a reason. I'm a self-confessed hater but I do know I'm positive in a not so normal way. I guess I'm what you call a positive hater. So those early thoughts were completely eradicated after moments of deciphering. I'm just different. Always was and always will be.

 

I am never judgmental because I will never tell anyone that they're wrong and I would never call anyone names in particular. Just don't ever ask me for my opinion because I damn will be more than willing to uphold my right to freedom of expression. I wont let anyone stop me because what I say wont matter if I don't mean anything to that person at all. I'm totally not that cruel because at every end point of my thought; like I uphold my right to freedom of expression; I also fervently respect other's. As they always say, TO EACH HIS OWN.

 

I was on hiatus.

I missed writing...

My brain is totally stagnant...

Consumed by the world of Grey's Anatomy...

Can't get enough.

im stuck in the middle of nowhere.
i have no where to go...
eternal silence just deafens me...
i just cant seem to digest every bit of pleasure
but the very least morsel of pain is what i tend to treasure.
i am in my terminal case...
i cannot just walk away from the thing that's
unyielding and sacred to my humanity...
i am wretched...
i am stupid...
i embrace myself at night
filling the emptiness i feel inside of me...
i crumble and shut the world i inhabit just to
savour the loneliness...
i shed tears...
and yet i find every pleasure in the pain you brought me...

i have digested the fact that i would never find the guy that deserves my respect...

i know this is a terminal case but i just lost hope...

and now i am resolved to eternal damnation that i will forever be stuck

in this crossroad...

i am in love with being in love but i will never love...

somebody tame my jaded heart...

wala na talaga kami pag asa.......
i just hate this feeling.......
what's wrong with me?

WHAT YOU MADE ME FEEL

 

 

That day I waited

I burned myself in the heat of the sun

I was scorched and bummed

But I was there waiting for your existence

Then you came

With that smile on your face

I thought you looked stupid and lame

Yes my friend that was a thought

A purely senseless and feign idea

Yet to be proven at a pace

 

We’ve known each other for years

We’ve been friends since

Shared moments of laughter and bitter means

It was a time to reminisce the good old days

Just for the freakin heck of it

                           Drowning in the spirit of alcohol

Conquered by my alter ego

The game was about to roll

 

The rain cried with the situation

Each drop were like knives

Slowly killing the flesh of our sanity

I let myself go

You went ahead and catch me as I fall

Your hands were like the staff of darkness

Slowly inching its way

Consuming every bit of me

But I just let myself go

 

Everything seemed hazy

My head spun like crazy

I was trapped

Nowhere to go but follow the flow

You made me feel stupid

You made me feel senseless

You took away the idealism of my purpose

I felt meaningless

Melancholy suddenly haunted me

 

Where to from now?

It is indeed the end of the road

And after everything that happened

What’s left to do is oblivion

Forget the nothingness

Because in the end

No one will ever feel like I do

You and I will never be closer

All for the reason that you made me feel like a loser

You hate her

 

You look at her and blood rises

Her eyes are blank

You are frustrated

Are you trying to find something?

See someone in her being…

 

You hear her voice

It makes you itch

Like an allergy

You are aggravated

Your mind tormented

 

***

Then there she goes

Dancing like a firefly

And then it grows stronger…harder…

 

Chorus:

You hate her but you love her

You feel her touch

You kneel and crumble so much

You hate her but you love her

She is inside of you

You’re smiling yet you’re crying

Hapless wretched wicked soul

Capture her and play the role

 

You hold the key

Memorize every inch of her

She’s lonely and you know it

She’s thirsty it makes you happy

She is your prisoner

Let her go…let her be

(*** then Chorus)

 

Coda:

See her side

Eat your fear

Don’t put her to shame

She’d never do the same

(Chorus to fade)

i was about to paste sumthin interestin in here but floppy diskette suddenly got screwed.
it cannot be formatted!
whew!
so much for a good having a good day...

help me find the pieces of myself